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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.