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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.