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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
Mondays are middle finger approved
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.