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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.