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Iām sorry Iām late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up