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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?