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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.