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I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.