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Will be drunk until further notice.
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.