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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
Save water- shower with me!
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything