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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Wine: How classy people get trashed.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.