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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".