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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point