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This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Marriage is for quitters
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?