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I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time