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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Winning isn`t everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!