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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
?-- that guy is cute ?
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.