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I like the part of the day when food happens.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"