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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.