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I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.