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Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
facebooked yo mama!!!
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.