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Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun