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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.