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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.