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I like the part of the day when food happens.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.