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Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman`s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
My life is loosely based on a true story.
is procastinating now. Don´t see why I should put it off.