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For once Iād like to get kicked into a bar
Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.