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Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle