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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.