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real eyes realize real lies
Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.