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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"