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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.