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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
All i wanna know is how this website knew my name is Guest?
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times