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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?