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I hope Iām the last guy on earth ā I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.