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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."