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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.