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If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.