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I just made you think of an elephant
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?