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Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....