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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
The less you know, the more you think you do.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.