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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.