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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.