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Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
Do angry people know about naps?
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.