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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.