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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.