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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"