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I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.