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We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
"May the 4th" be with you!
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.