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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Never trust a skinny chef
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.