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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often