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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Bacon...need I say more
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.