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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
I drink to make other people interesting.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.