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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
make little things count. teach midgets math.
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
Condoms prevent minivans.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.