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If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.