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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.