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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.