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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.