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I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?