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Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they`re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.