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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.