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Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.