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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
thinking men should come with a carfax....
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."