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Next time you think life`s not fair..think of this x large clothes cost $2 more than large so why doesn`t small cost $2 less ? Being fat ....now that`s unfair
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
The wet spot in my bed is tears
We get it poets: things are like other things
I think I may be getting harder to love.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.