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I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.