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Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.