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I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.