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Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.