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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...