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Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.