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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
make little things count. teach midgets math.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…