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I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.