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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.