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Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.