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“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.