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"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.