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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
High fiving was the original "like".
When you`re down about your body image just type "fat people" into Google images, always makes me feel better!:)
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!