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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.