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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.