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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.