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I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it