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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.