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We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.