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I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.