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People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
It needs more cowbell!!
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.