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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`