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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?