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I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
Beauty is only a light switch away...
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes