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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"