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Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift