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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.