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I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?