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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside