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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.