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So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men’s facial expressions than men have reading women’s. That’s mostly because we’re not looking at their faces ...
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"