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Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
High fiving was the original "like".
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
There is no time to check time
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.