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The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.