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You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?