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Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.