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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener