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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Go ahead caller 9!!
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.