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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
I have off-road rage, too
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
I hope common sense is the next cool trend.
on a scale of 1-10 how honest are you? I would say 10 but then i would be lying!
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.