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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.