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When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
This recliner and I go way back.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.