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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
I will not let people drive me crazy because I know it`s in walking distance.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.