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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.