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Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.