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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.